My girlfriends Facebook…

I wouldn’t describe myself as overtly jealous. Well, ok I am a bit. But this is more “alpha male” natural human jealousy than “self harming lunatic”.

You see on my page, I will occasionally speak with past work colleagues, I might comment on the odd photo or join in a debate if someone has posted something more interesting than the latest picture of a shoe. Many of these might be female.However when checking my girlfriends page, I seem to note that ALL of the activity on her page is from men!

“Hunny bun, sweetie pie, sweetness, baby doll, and sexy pants” are some of the puke worthy comments I read from her male fans. I also note that there are a lot of “boys” queuing like disciples posting on the same subject.

Comparing my page then, I note that I have more than 300 female friends, yet none of them, curiously, are addressing me as Hottie face, pooh bear or pumpkin. Nor are they crashing servers leaving notes on my wall.

My first observation then is how Face book opens this whole “men and women can’t be friends debate”. My second might be that my g/f is one of those people who encourage men to feel comfortable calling her these ridiculous names. (And being honest no one wants a g/f like that)

I do have some evidence to support this observation because should I address any of my female friends which such gayness, they might either think I want sex, or have woken up retarded. You see most of my female friends wouldn’t appreciate such lecherousness nonsense and probably call the police.

Call me old fashioned but as a man, I feel a certain level of trust and respect must first be earned before using these names on a woman. For example I wouldn’t call a check out girl in Sainsbury’s “Baby”, or “Darling”; I remember once making the mistake of saying “Thanks sweetheart” to a bar tender who swiftly said “What did you call me? I’m not your sweetheart you cheesy creep”

This therefore assumes that these male friends have somehow earned this pet name status, and so I could be in point of fact looking at postings from all manner of ex boyfriends, conquests, or snog on the dance floor encounters. Nobody wants to see that.Then there is the picture issue.

My girlfriend seemingly pops out to a bar for a quiet drink, and returns armed with 90 pictures of her draped over men, 12 of her lying legs akimbo in a gutter outside Liquid, and 3 of her kissing a male friend on the penis.

Added to that the following day, her update page will be littered with 87 new male friends and I am left wondering how all this new traffic to her page has been accumulated.

This brings me neatly to the obvious debate about how women claim to prefer male friends than female friends. “Oh I think women are bitchy and I prefer men” will be the normal opening gambit. Sure, you can’t possibly find females to have anything in common with, what a silly notion, you have much more in common with men who call you “Baby”Let’s break it down and face facts:

Men only talk to women for the following reasons:

1/ So that he can mate her. Either now, or for future investment purposes.2/ So he can get advice on how to properly perform fellatio.3/ So he can mate her friend4/ So he can pretend he doesn’t want to mate her, and then mate her5/ She is a work colleague or business associate6/ He is painfully lonely and unloved

Conveniently, otherwise intelligent women will refute these statements, claim to not understand or will claim an exception to the rule. (Of course by vehemently disagreeing with these basic human facts it allows women to have hundreds of “friends” who call her “Sweet lips” thus in turn furnishing her basic human need for attention.

A female face book member might even refute the notion of attention seeking, but note the numbers of women members who have more than 200 pictures of themselves. Surely we can tell what you look like and get an idea of your lifestyle in fewer than 1200 images?In a woman’s defence there is a part of this that is not their fault, apart from their “narccistic photo upload look at me touretts” and yes, society and the universe requires a level of flirtation, everyone wants to be wanted, but Face book rather rubs this into the face of man in a highly exaggerated fashion.

So new rules have therefore been invented today:

Never on any account look at your girlfriend’s pageNever date a girl who lets the bus driver call her darlingNever date a girl who has more male FB friends than females.Never date a girl who suffers from image upload disease.Never date a girl who uses face book who has the mental age of 8

Failing to observe these new guidelines might render face book to evolve into a platform which has the ability to destroy even the strongest of relationships and your sanity.

Comment pre-empting:”God get a life and some self confidence you jealous monster” – Written by a girl”Many of my best friends are male and not one of them would ever want to sleep with me even if I drapped myself over them wearing some long socks and no panties” – Written by a deluded girl who happens to be really attractive and single”Dude, I never bother about comments on face book as long as she comes home with me” – Written by a man who dates a stripper and calls people Dude.”Your so sexist and jealous” – Written by a girl who has 900 pictures of herself on Face-book”Can’t relate at all mate, you need help” – Written by a man who thinks he’s emotionally intelligent whilst his wife is sleeping with the milkman”God what’s wrong with new friend requests after a night out from men” – Written by a girl who spent all night giving her Face book ID to men in return for bottles of VKAuthor Howard Ritchie www.bachelorplace.com

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